Thursday, November 29, 2012

No Sign of Birds

By Rainbow Starr
Environmental Reporter
PUNTA GORDA, FLORIDA - Part time residents of this area are called snowbirds.  They live most of the year further North.  They flock to SW Florida to escape the snow between Halloween and Easter.
     The same is true for many actual birds in this area.  They don't migrate through Florida in the spring and fall.  This is actually their final destination.  These birds are said to "winter over" until they fly North again in the spring.  My recent sightings of several new ducks encouraged me to go bird watching again on Thursday afternoon.  This time I ventured further inland.  I spent several hours trooping around the trails at the Charlotte Harbor Environmental Center. Affectionately referred to as CHEC, it is a non-profit, private wildlife refuge at 10941 Burnt Store Road.  It sits in the protected area around Charlotte Harbor that is likely to flood if the waters rise.  So, I figured I should explore the place before global warming goes too far.
     This was only my second visit to CHEC, and it may well be my last. Not only did I see few birds, for most of my hike, I didn't even HEAR any birds.  Except for the rustling of leaves and branches in the wind, everything was completely silent.  I felt like I was bird watching after the apocalypse.
      I'm not saying there was no wildlife at the CHEC.  During the first hour, I jumped out of my skin when a big black racer snake slithered noisily into the dry underbrush.  During the second hour, my hiking companion almost stepped on a glass lizard.  That legless green reptile looks just like a snake.  It gets its name from the ability to snap off its tail to befuddle a predator.  As the tail flaps by reflex in the jaws of an attacker, the main body of the glass lizard can slither away.  I swear, the lizard actually sacrifices most of its body so the remainder can escape.  This seems like a wasteful survival tactic to me.  It is only surpassed by the local poisonous tree frogs.  Any predator that swallows one of them dies with convulsions about 24 hours later.  How does that help the frog?  Their natural defense is to leave a bad aftertaste.
      As a newly minted graduate of the Florida Master Naturalist Program, my fellow hiker found more to interest her at CHEC than I did.  While I futilely scanned overhead for birds, she found mushrooms, moss, grass, coffee plants and exotic flowers one the ground.  Many of these things were conveniently labeled by small signs and plaques by the side of the trails.  We grew spoiled.  When we found a sign about bald eagles, we were disappointed there wasn't one perched right behind it.
      Some of the other signs at CHEC were less helpful and more puzzling.

     This sign seemed to suggest that the hawk eats the sun to complete the circle of life.
      Small white arrows helped us follow the hiking trails at CHEC.  At one point, even these simple arrows seemed to lead us astray.  The hiker in the photo below was justifiably confused about which sign to believe.
     Seriously, why would the trail lead hikers into the jaws of alligators?
     The trail blazers at CHEC employed the process of elimination with some of their signs.  It may have been a bit overgrown, but that was definitely a trail beside this sign.  I wasn't sure what to make of it.  Were they hiding something down there?  They may as well have posted a sign reading, "Turn back! There's nothing to see here! Move along!"
     Many plaques and statues in Florida are just monuments to the people who paid for them.  They do nothing to educate tourists.  They are just covered with the names of the donors and fundraisers.  On some of the wooden bridges and boardwalks at CHEC, every single timber is etched with the names and sentiments of contributors.    
      I didn't know Mr. Derrick.  Unless he was a dried up, dead twig, this plaque doesn't do him justice.
     Our futile hike ended at the CHEC observation blind.  We quietly entered the back of the shack and sat at a large window overlooking a bunch of bird baths, bird houses and bird feeders.  I felt like the witness of a crime sitting behind a one-way mirror on CSI.  Unfortunately, the bird feeders were empty of seed as well as birds.  At least we saw some vultures, herons and a bald eagle flying above the treetops.  However, those are pretty easy to see anywhere in SW Florida.
      Eventually, a solitary palm warbler arrived at the blind (one of the most abundant birds in SW Florida).  He perched on a low branch and nervously looked around for about 10 minutes before dropping down to take a sip of water. When I stood to get a better view, the warbler flew away.  Suspiciously, I walked around the front of the "observation blind."  Sure enough, the birds could see us inside as clear as day.  I don't think CHEC understands what "observation blind" really means.
     We were leaving CHEC in abject defeat when we came upon a gopher tortoise munching on some grass.  He was standing in the middle of some fire ant mounds.  So, I have to salute the turtle's resolve even as I question his judgment.  We also saw a large gator laying beside a pond near the visitor center.
     The sun was literally setting as we walked to the parking lot.  Of course, that's when CHEC sprang to life!  We finally saw a red-shoulder hawk perched in the distance and a great horned owl, perched low beside the entry road.  We even scared off a big, black wild pig that was rummaging around the CHEC administrative buildings.  We saw more wildlife in the last five minutes of our hike than in the first three hours.
      The forest was beautiful and the weather couldn't have been nicer.  However, as a bird watching destination, the CHEC is a great place to see reptiles.











Dominatrix Barbie



By Ralph Zenith
Business Reporter
ENGLEWOOD, FLORIDA - Wearing shinny PVC clothes and black fishnet stockings, this is not your mother's Barbie doll.  I found this strange item selling in the girl's toy department at the local Big Lots store.  At first glance, I thought Barbie had grown up to become a high end S&M prostitute.  A closer look at the package revealed this Barbie is actually supposed to be a tough comic book super heroine named Black Canary.  She is part of a series of Barbie dolls made up to look like various fictional characters.
    Selling for $20, this Barbie would make an expensive "companion" to Ken.  I hear that sometimes he's a very, very bad boy and needs to be punished!  I wonder how the package would attempt to explain away the bruises, bites and whip marks on a "Slave Ken Doll."  Would he come complete with cuffs, blindfold and gag?

Monday, November 26, 2012

Tickle me, Elmo honey!

By Socrates Paparazzi
Arts and Entertainment Reporter
NEW YORK, NEW YORK - It's been a bad year for muppets.
     Kevin Clash has resigned after 28 years as the voice of Elmo on Sesame Street.  A second young man has accused Clash of having sex with a minor  His first accuser retracted the allegation within 24 hours of his story going public earlier this month.  However, a second accuser is standing by the charges.  The 24-year-old man claims that Clash had sexual contact with him when he was just 15.  His federal lawsuit alleges that Clash met him through a gay chat line.  He reportedly courted the boy with expensive meals and money during a torrid two-week affair of sexual contact without intercourse.  According to his lawyer, the victim is suing Clash after all these years to heal from the trauma, to spare other victims from his sexual depravity and for $5 million.
      Clash has won 23 daytime Emmys, including 4 in a row for best performer in a children's series.  He became more famous when he stepped out as the man behind, ummm - the man under Elmo.  Clash made the circuit of TV talk shows to promote his 2006 autobiography, "My Life as a Furry Red Monster" and his 2011 documentary "Being Elmo, a Puppeteer's Journey."  His accuser was shocked to learn Clash was the puppeteer for the beloved muppet.  I was shocked to learn that Elmo's shrill voice is provided by a big, shiny, bald, black, dude who is 53-years-old and openly gay.  Then again, this would answer some questions about the Tickle-me Elmo toy.  I always wondered why, if you tickle the doll's belly for too long, he stops giggling and whispers, "Lower."
       Clash seems like a nice enough guy with a good sense of humor.  I hope he's innocent, for his sake.  If a man over 21 years old, is convicted of having sex with anyone under 17 years old, the State of New York considers him guilty of a felony.  Child molesters are especially persecuted by the "regular" killers and rapists in prison.  If Clash goes to jail, he will probably learn first hand what it feels like to be a muppet.
 

Sunday, November 25, 2012

A Butt Clenching Headline

By Scoop Cooper
Crime Reporter
TALLAHASSEE, FLORIDA -  A headline in the Nov. 20 issue of The Englewood Sun suggests that Governor Rick Scott is wildly exceeding his authority.  The headline on page 5 reads, "Scott asks inspector general to probe Citizens."
    All of us?
    With all due respect, I think Governor Scott overestimates the sexual prowess of our inspector general.
     A closer reading of the article offered an explanation that was almost as funny as the headline.  Our governor has ordered an investigation of a state-backed company called Citizens Property Insurance Corp.  He said he was concerned about the firing of four employees at Citizens.  They were investigating the mismanagement of company funds when Citizens fired them.  Hmmm ... I'm sure it was just a coincidence.
     Just the same, I was glad to read that the Florida inspector general, Melinda Miguel, is a woman and not a man.  I was relieved!

Thursday, November 22, 2012

Happy Thanksgiving!

     Silly News will not be publishing on Thanksgiving Day.  We are giving our staff the day off so they can celebrate the holiday tradition of stealing land from Indians.
     Happy Thanksgiving from:
Mark Lucas, news editor
Scoop Cooper, crime reporter
Rainbow Star, environmental reporter
Ralph Zenith, business reporter
Sir Sterling T. Noseworthy III, Jr. Esquire, international correspondent
Socrates Paparazzi, arts and entertainment reporter
Nicola Braun, science reporter

Tuesday, November 20, 2012

Thrown off the Fiscal Cliff

By Mark Lucas
News Editor
ENGLEWOOD, FLORIDA - I love to deliberately misinterpret a newspaper headline.  The Friday edition of the local Englewood Sun contained the following headline on page 1 of The Wire section.
      "Obama, congressional leaders to meet on 'fiscal cliff.'"
     That sounds like a dramatic Mafia negotiation from a "Godfather" film.  It's the type of scene that can only  end with someone getting thrown off.  I can just picture Obama calmly watching as Republican mouthpiece John Boehner gets heaved over the edge.  Boehner is still screaming on the way down as the president coolly lights a cigarette and says, "You'll find our common ground when you hit the bottom, scumbag."
      Starring Morgan Freeman.  Coming soon to theaters near you!

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A Cure Worse than the Illness

By Nicola Braun
Science Reporter
TAIWAN - Scientists with too much time on their hands have given recreational users of crystal meth a new justification for their addiction.  It prevents the flu.
      Previous studies suggested that meth addicts are more susceptible to HIV.  So, a team of Taiwanese scientists expected similar results when they exposed lung tissue samples to crystal meth and the flu virus.  They were shocked to discover the opposite.  The meth boosted the lung's resistance to the flu.  In fact, the more crystal meth they mixed in, the more the flu virus was rejected.  Even the flu can't survive in that kind of toxic pollution.
      Great!  This will give more ammunition to people who want to legalize narcotics.  They already claim that pot cures glaucoma.  Now the meth addicts will crawl to their doctors for a prescription every time they get the sniffles.
      Actually, the lab coats say they will try to create new drugs similar to crystal meth that fight the flu  without all the bad side effects.  After all, can you imagine the warning label they'd have to print on a prescription bottle of Crystal Meth Night Time Flu Relief?  "May cause acne, wrinkled skin, insomnia, tooth decay, elevated heart rate, anxiety, delusions, hallucinations, paranoia, convulsions, extreme aggression, decreased sex drive, increased body temperature, liver damage, stroke and death."
      Yikes!  I'd rather get the flu.  Even if I was cured, I wouldn't feel better if I suspected the mailman of plotting against me with my dog!  I think the Taiwanese are setting the bar a little too low.  Their next scientific study will probably prove that shooting patients in the head will also prevent the flu.
     "The inoculation was a success, doctor.  Unfortunately, the patient's brains have been sprayed all over the wall."
     "But he doesn't have the flu, right?"
     "Nope. No flu. Just dead."
     "Great!  That's a 100% success record.  Next!"
 

Monday, November 19, 2012

Go Climb a Tree

By Scoop Cooper
Crime Reporter
LAND O' LAKES, FLORIDA - An accused bike thief, who fled up a tree, is back on the ground and behind bars.
     The man is accused of stealing a bicycle by pushing the rider off of it at 2 p.m. Friday.  The suspect loaded the bike on his truck. When police responded to the call, the suspect fought off a deputy and climbed up a 30-foot-tall tree.  Apparently, he didn't have a next move.  He stayed in the tree for 11 hours.  Police and news crews stood vigil around the base of the tree.  After nightfall, they shined lights up into the foliage.  However, the suspect remained unseen, except for the occasional movement of branches.  One amused witness described the arboreal fugitive as nimble as a monkey.
     The suspect finally decided he'd rather spend the night in jail than in a tree and descended to the ground at 1 a.m. Saturday morning.  The bald, 37-year-old Pasco County resident was arrested and charged with robbery, battery on a police officer and resisting arrest.  He is being held in the Land O' Lakes Detention Center.
     Gee, the Mystery Monkey of Tampa Bay held out longer than this guy. (sigh)  I still miss Cornelius.

Friday, November 16, 2012

Anything to Save the Ta Tas


By Rainbow Starr
WEST ROTONDA, FLORIDA - Bidding for a woman's bra is usually accompanied by sleazy music and erotic dancing.  However, the auction of brassieres at the Veterans of Foreign Wars hall Saturday night will be for a cause far more worthy than a striptease. The VFW Ladies Auxiliary is holding a Save the Boobies Party to raise money to fight breast cancer.   The event starts at 5 p.m. and includes music, dinner, raffles and an auction of creatively hand decorated bras.
         Several of the bras have a pair of cups which have been decorated to look like giant eyes.  Red plastic eyeballs protrude like nipples from the "Zombie bra."  The "Jingle Boobies" bra is covered by red and green Christmas bells.  The "Combat Bra" is covered by plastic army men - green soldiers on the left cup and tan on the right.  However, my personal favorite is a bra covered with pink feathers to look like a flamingo.  The wings are spread to cover the cups.  A bird leg dangles from each cup.  The flamingo's head peaks out from the area usually reserved for cleavage.  

Thursday, November 15, 2012

Sour Grapes for Republican Whine

By Mark Lucas
News Editor
     America has a long tradition of accepting election results with grace, civility and good sportsmanship.  In 2000, Democratic Vice President and internet inventor Al Gore eventually acknowledged his defeat on a technicality, even though more people actually voted for him.  This year, US President and Nobel Peace Prize winner Barack Obama not only won decisively in the Electoral College, he also received 3% more of the popular vote.  Absent any proof of substantial fraud, Obama won reelection fair and square by any standard.
        So, this is the point where Mormon Bishop Willard Mitt Romney congratulates Obama.  Republicans and Democrats vow to work together, heal the wounds of a nasty campaign, find common ground, blah, blah, blah.  We've all heard the scripted malarkey before.  Right?
      Not this time.
      The Republicans are flipping out over their defeat.  It started before all the votes were tallied.  On election night, New York developer Donald Trump repeatedly called for a revolution and a march on the capitol during an online tirade.  Country singer and gun nut Ted Nugent tweeted that watching the election results caused him to cry tears of blood.  He described his fellow Americans as a bunch of pimps, whores and welfare brats who had voted to commit economic and spiritual suicide.
      Now, gun sales in Florida have jumped 40% on the assumption that Obama will increase the cost and regulation of firearms.
        Even Romney has cried foul play.  During a conference call with his major campaign contributors on Wednesday, Romney explained that Obama bought the votes of minorities with gifts.  He said Hispanics voted for Obama because he offered amnesty to the children of illegal immigrants.  He said young people voted for Obama because he offered to forgive their college loans. Romney said poor people voted for Obama because his health care reform offers them free medical care.
       In other words, Obama cheated by serving the millions of Americans who voted for him, paid his salary, invested him with authority and funded all the resources and manpower of the federal government.  What an OUTRAGE!  How DARE the American people expect their government to work on their behalf!  This is clearly contrary to Republican ideology which calls for the federal government to do nothing.  Worse yet, it runs against a long American tradition that the president should only give help to a few rich supporters who don't need it.
       Over 700,000 people have signed online petitions calling for all 50 states to peacefully withdraw from the nation.  Democrats and liberals have already fired back with a sarcastic volley of their own online petitions.  A petition calling for Obama to prevent the secession of any state has been signed by 2,190 people.  Another 10,652 people have called for Obama to strip the citizenship from anyone who signs a petition to secede from the nation and peacefully deport them.
       A petition with 3,196 signatures would require any state to repay it's portion of the national debt before seceding.  That's a particularly spiteful petition because the seven states with the most signatures to secede also receive the most funding from the US federal government.  These seven states received a total of 23% of all federal funds to the state governments in 2010.  Shockingly, these ungrateful states were also part of the Southern Confederacy during the Civil War:  Texas, Louisiana, Georgia, Tennessee, North Carolina, Alabama and Florida (which is the only one that voted for Obama ... eventually).
        Even in this parade of fools, Texas lives up to its reputation for always being the biggest.  Not only was Texas the first to collect over 25,000 signatures to secede, it collected the most, over 100,000.  However, secession is opposed by Texas Governor and failed Republican presidential candidate Rick Perry.
     "Governor Perry believes in the greatness of our Union and nothing should be done to change it," reads an official statement from the governor's office.  It's a sad day, when that amnesiac drug addict is the voice of reason.
     Even if Texas leaves the union, it might have to forge on without its state capitol.  The City of Austin has gathered 5,348 signatures on a counter petition to secede from Texas and stick with the rest of the USA.  In Austin's petition, the notoriously poor and liberal stronghold objects that its civil, religious and political freedoms have been oppressed by the rest of the Lone Star State.  Oh, by the way, the petition also calls for Austin to annex the other Texas cities of Dublin, Lockhart and Shiner on its way out of the state.



  
     


Monday, November 12, 2012

Will Steal for Tips

By Scoop Cooper
Crime Reporter
WEST HARTFORD, CONNECTICUT - The economy must be pretty bad when thieves start to steal jobs.
     On Friday night, a delivery driver left his car idling while he ran inside Bristow Middle School to deliver some Chinese food.  He emerged to find his car had been stolen.  He called the Chinese restaurant to tell his boss.  The restaurant called the three remaining customers to inform them that their orders had been stolen with the delivery vehicle.
     That's when the crime took a strange turn.
     One customer reported that their stolen food had just been delivered.  The restaurant gave police the addresses of the remaining two deliveries.  Sure enough, police arrested the suspect while making a second delivery of the stolen food with the stolen vehicle.  The car thief was pocketing payment for the deliveries, and, hopefully, the customers were counting their change.
     Police allege that the suspect was also arrested in possession of a crack pipe, a joint and a paper bag full of a prescription anti-psychotic drug.  So, let's see now ... altogether, the suspect is being charged with possession of drug paraphernalia, possession of less than a half ounce of marijuana, failure to keep prescription drugs in their original container and, oh yeah, third degree larceny of the car.  The busy boy cannot be accused with a lack of ambition.
       Let this be a cautionary tale for anyone who doesn't feel like getting out of bed in the morning.  You'd better report for work every day, or you just might find someone has stolen your job.
   

Thursday, November 8, 2012

The Over-the-Hill Gang

By Scoop Cooper
Crime Reporter
PORT CHARLOTTE, FLORIDA - We all get older, even criminals.
     Like salmon swimming upstream to die, elderly Americans seem compelled to retire to Florida.  My little corner of paradise is known as God's Waiting Room.  Since Republicans outnumber Democrats by two to one, SW Florida should be called The Elephants Graveyard, but that's just my opinion.
     The median average age in Charlotte County is actually 56.  So, a lot of the criminals are starting to show their age.  The long arm of the law caught up with two of these doddering outlaws last weekend, while the rest of the nation was obsessing over the election.
     On Nov. 1, a bald man with a gray goatee entered the SunTrust Bank in Port Charlotte.  Without brandishing a weapon, he coerced an undisclosed amount of cash from a teller.  Then, the suspect fled the scene.  I know you're picturing a getaway car spraying gravel into the air with squealing tires, but no.  Remember, this is SW Florida, where the pace is more laid back.  The aging bank robber made his slow-motion escape on a small electric scooter.  Don't laugh. He got away!  Despite a dragnet with police dogs and a helicopter, all they found was the bank robber's discarded jacket and abandoned scooter.
     Never fear!  The Florida police always catch their man!  The chase finally ended last Sunday.  The authorities caught up with their prey at ... Tampa General Hospital.  The 51-year-old suspect was being treated for a previous medical condition.  I guess life in the fast lane caught up with him.  The ailing bank robber was arrested and placed under guard at Tampa General Hospital.  He will be officially charged with two robberies when he is returned to Charlotte County, health permitting.
     The elderly crime wave continued on Saturday night. Police saw two women in a truck drive away from a reputed drug den in Punta Gorda.  A deputy pulled them over for a routine "traffic stop."  The 25-year-old driver was merely arrested for driving with a suspended license.  However, when the 49-year-old passenger was ordered to step out of the vehicle, she allegedly threw a syringe on the ground.  This aroused the suspicion of the highly trained deputy.  He allegedly found a crack pipe and a piece of crack in her purse.  Now in full sleuth mode, the deputy observed that his tight-lipped prisoner was fussing with something in her mouth.  Allegedly, she removed her dentures to reveal three more large crack rocks.  That must've wiped the smile off her face, in more ways than one.  The 49-year-old-would-be-smuggler was charged with possession of cocaine and drug paraphernalia and released on $3,500 bail.
     I think I speak for everyone in God's Waiting Room when I say, "We are getting too old for this nonsense."

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Monday, November 5, 2012

Roseanne Barr Runs for President

By Mark Lucas
News Editor
FLORIDA - Americans don't have to hold their noses and vote for Democratic President and illegal immigrant Barack Obama or the other white meat, Republican Mitt Romney.  There are many other candidates for president that have been completely ignored by the mainstream media.  Twelve different nominees appear on the Florida ballot, second only to Colorado with 16 choices.
     When I got a sample Florida ballot, I was not surprised to see alternative candidates from the Libertarian Party, the Green Party, the Reform Party, communists, socialists and other small fry of the lunatic fringe. However, I did not expect to see the name of 1990s sitcom star Roseanne Barr.
      After the Green Party passed over her to nominate Dr. Jill Stein for president, Barr fell even further down the political food chain and secured the nomination of the Peace and Freedom Party.  Based in California, the Peace and Freedom Party advocates the legalization of marijuana and gay marriage.  On the campaign trail, Barr has also vowed to bring down the bankers and the Federal Reserve which caused the Great Recession.
      Barr appears on the election ballot in California, Colorado and Florida with her vice presidential running mate Cindy Sheehan.  I recognized Sheehan's name, but, at first, I couldn't place her.  After her son died in the invasion of Iraq, Sheehan became a prominent anti-war activist.  You may remember her prolonged demonstration outside the Texas ranch of specially-abled Republican President George Bush.
     So, Sheehan brings a little credibility to the Peace and Freedom Party ticket.  However, I don't think I could stand having a  loudmouth like Roseanne Barr as president for four whole years.  Remember how she defiled the national anthem at a baseball game?  Just imagine what she would do to somber presidential traditions.  Picture her riding a motorcycle up the Capitol steps to deliver the State of the Union Address through her nose and chewing gum during press conferences.  I can just see President Barr living in a trailer on the lawn while the White House is fumigated for head lice and bed bugs.
     No.  NOoooo!  No thank you!  We already elected one nut farmer to the oval office, then a daffy actor, and he was even worse!  


Sunday, November 4, 2012

Connie Mack a Momma's Boy

By Mark Lucas
News Editor
FLORIDA - Republican US Congressman and chronic deadbeat Connie Mack is scraping the bottom of the barrel for political endorsements.  Recent campaign commercials, feature his mother Priscilla.  According to her, Mack would make a terrific US senator.  It's a half-hearted endorsement.  Even she admits that her son "was a handful."  I wonder if she was referring to his history of barroom brawls and road rage.
     However, the suspense is over.  Despite having one of the worst attendance records in Congress, Mack's mother will vote for him.  What other endorsements has Mack been holding back for an October Surprise?  Will his second grade teacher support his views on education?  Does Mack have a note from his childhood doctor that excuses his views on health care?  Does his dog approve of his record on environmental issues?
     Despite the last-minute endorsement from his mother, the senatorial race is finally turning against Connie Mack, aka Cornelius Harvey McGuillicuddy IV.  Over the weekend, a poll of 800 likely voters found only 43% supported Mack.  On the other hand, 49% planned to vote for Democratic incumbent and beady-eyed good-old-boy, US Senator Bill Nelson.  With 4% voting for third party candidates, that only leaves 4% of Florida voters undecided and still up for grabs.  Then again, the poll has a 3.5% margin of error.  So anything can happen.  When a candidate is supported by his own mother, clearly we are living in an age of miracles.

Saturday, November 3, 2012

The Puppet Apocalypse Begins

By Mark Lucas
News Editor
WASHINGTON, DC - Lock your windows and barricade the doors!  The puppet uprising has begun!  I WARNED YOU this would happen!  But you all LAUGHED at me!  Well, the Million Puppet March starts at 10 a.m. Saturday.  Count Count is still working on an exact figure, but approximately 600 puppeteers and their puppets are expected to march from Lincoln Park to the Grant Memorial. They CLAIM it will be a peaceful demonstration to support federal funding for the Public Television System.  HA!  I wouldn't be surprised if it ended with Kermit and the Grover dancing a jig on the White House roof as the capitol burns!
      Well, how much did we expect our beloved fuzzy friends to take?  For years, they gave us unconditional love and laughter.  In return, we tried to rename the Cookie Monster the Veggie Monster.  We doctored photos on the internet to link Bert with Osama Bin Laden.  Then we accused Bert of having a gay relationship with his "longtime companion" Ernie.  Some panhandler in an Elmo costume even spewed profanities at New York tourists if they wouldn't pay to have their pictures taken with him.  However, the feather that broke the canary's back came just a few weeks ago.  In a televised presidential debate, Republican nominee and Mormon Bishop Mitt Romney threatened to fire Big Bird to balance the federal budget.
     Well, Judgment Day has arrived!
      The capitol riot police won't be able to put down the puppet uprising.  There's a ten-foot height limit on the puppets in the march!  Miss Piggy knows karate, and the Cookie Monster eats everything in sight!  And this is just the beginning.  After Washington, D.C. falls, similar puppet marches are planned for New York City, Boston, Atlanta, Seattle, Britain and New Zealand.  Just before the power goes off in each city, the last broadcast we hear will probably be the insane laughter of Tickle Me Elmo.
     So, this is how the world ends.
     This is how the world ends.
     This is how the world ends.
     Not with a BANG, but a giggle ...


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